so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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