How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
