It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize