But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
