where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize