My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
