I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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