If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
