Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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