finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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