just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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