Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
