Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
