At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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