Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
from now on my penis is your penis
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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