i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
