just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
