1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
