if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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