No more Irish car bombs ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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