My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
