I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
