This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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