My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
