I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
