I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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