I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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