I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
