You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize