So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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