community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
