bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize