i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
