it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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