he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
