i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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