I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize