I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
