I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
