I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
