her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
