Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
