I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
