I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
