Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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