yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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