Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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