he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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