last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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