OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
