"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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