it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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