I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
