You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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