if i can run in heels then i can drive
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
