I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
