She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
