I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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