she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
did i just pee glitter
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize