so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
