I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
