They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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